


Avengers Against Humanity

by LordRebeccaSama



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Cards Against Humanity, Game Night, Gen, Post-Thor: The Dark World, Steve surprises them all, The Card Game for Horrible People
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-27
Updated: 2014-04-27
Packaged: 2018-01-20 22:39:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1528289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordRebeccaSama/pseuds/LordRebeccaSama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Tony's turn to pick the game for Avengers Game Night. This week: Cards Against Humanity.  The game doesn't go quite as he planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Avengers Against Humanity

An alert sounded on the screen in front of Tony.  He looked up from his welding and dismissed the alarm before standing up and stretching.

“J, have the others gotten the game night memo?”

“All but Dr. Banner are on their way to the Common Area, sir.”

Tony frowned. “Where is he?”

“Asleep at his desk in his lab.”

“Thanks, J!”

Tony walked across the hallway and let himself into Bruce’s lab where he found the scientist with his head in his hands, asleep.  He walked over and gently shook Bruce.

“Hey, Brucy-bear, it’s game night.”

“Wha?” he asked, waking up slightly.

“Game night, Bruce!”

Bruce rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and stood up, popping out his back. “I’m coming.”

Tony cheered and led the way upstairs, stopping at his room to grab tonight’s game.

“What are we playing tonight, Stark?” Natasha asked.

Tony smiled and dropped the large, black box onto the table in the center of the couches.

“‘The bigger, blacker, box’,” Thor read, “I don’t think I’ve heard of this game.”

“It’s called Cards Against Humanity,” Clint replied, “Some of the new recruits play it in the barracks at night.”

“Well, we’re playing it here,” Tony retorted.

“How do you play?” Steve asked.

Tony opened the box and threw the top off to the side, which the rest could see that the paper at the top was ripped up, much to the confusion of Steve,

Bruce, and Thor.  Clint and Natasha knew about the hidden card.

“Okay,” Tony started, “everyone take ten white cards.” Everyone collected their cards.

“I don’t know what some of these are,” Thor said.

“Just look it up on your phone.  You haven’t lost that again, have you?”

Thor blushed lightly. “No,” he said and pulled out the phone from his pocket.  Steve followed his lead and started to look up the things in his hand

“Right, now, I’ll start.  I choose a black card and read it out loud, and then all of you put down a white card that you think fits.  Then I choose the white card I like best and that person gets to keep the black card.  Then Natasha picks a black card and chooses, and around the table we go.” They were sitting with Natasha to Tony’s right, followed by Clint, Thor, Steve, and Bruce to Tony’s left. “Make sure you always have ten white cards.  The rules say the winner is the first person who gets five black cards, but we can just play until we get bored and count them at the end.”

“Want to make the game more interesting?” Clint asked.

“What?” Bruce asked.

“Card Czar chooses the worst card of the round, too, and the person has to strip.”

“I’m game,” Natasha said, flipping through her cards.

“Okay, birdbrain, you’re on,” Tony challenged.

Bruce, Steve, and Thor nodded their agreement to Strip Cards Against Humanity.

“Well, go on, Stark, pick a card.” Natasha gestured towards the deck.

Tony pulled out a black card.

“A successful job interview begins with a firm handshake and ends with blank,” he read and put the card down on the table.

Thor and Steve frowned at their cards; Clint and Natasha threw down their cards in a second and reached out to replace the lost card; Bruce was deciding between two cards before putting down one of them in the pile created by Natasha and Clint.  Steve finally decided, but Thor was still looking confusingly at his cards.

“Thor, buddy,” Tony said, “we’re waiting on you.”

“I’m not sure I quite understand this game.  None of these answers fit.”

“You choose one that you think is funny, not one that fits the card perfectly,” Bruce said.

“One of the popular ones online is ‘What is Batman’s guilty pleasure?  Dead Parents’,” Clint explained.

Thor frowned. “I don’t understand why that’s a guilty pleasure.”

“It’s ironic,” Natasha said.

“Oh!  Okay, I think I understand.” Thor pulled one card out and put it on the pile of cards before reaching out to get a new card.

Tony rolled his eyes and shuffled the cards in his hands.

“Alright.  A successful job interview begins with a firm handshake and ends with ambiguous sarcasm.” The group chuckled. “Very funny.  A successful job interview begins with a firm handshake and ends with a mime having a stroke.” Natasha smirked and glanced at Clint.  He would do that one. “A successful job interview begins with a firm handshake and ends with a tribe of warrior women.” Thor looked scared at the prospect.  Tony couldn’t blame him.  That sounded terrifying. “A successful job interview begins with a firm handshake and ends with an interracial handshake.” That just didn’t make sense…or it made too much sense.  “And a successful job interview begins with a firm handshake and ends with not reciprocating oral sex.” That sounded like his interview with Pepper…although without any oral sex…or sex of any kind.  Tony flipped through the answers and threw down the rejects. “Warrior women wins this round.”

Natasha smiled and pulled the black card towards her.

“Interracial handshake loses.”

Thor frowned. “What do I do now that I’ve lost?” he asked.

“You take off a piece of clothing,” Tony told him.

Thor put his cards on the table and pulled off his shirt. “Okay, now what?”

“You play in the next round until you’re completely naked,” Tony said.

Thor nodded and grinned.

Natasha glanced at the two to make sure they were done before reading the black card she pulled.

Two hours later, Pepper walked into the Common Area in search of her boyfriend so he could sign some papers.  What she found instead were the Avengers in varying states of undress, ranging from socks and underwear (Thor) to fully clothed (Steve).  Natasha and Tony were missing their shirts; Clint was down to his undershirt and boxers, and Bruce didn’t have socks or his button-up shirt on.

“Do I even want to know?” Pepper asked.  She was sure she banned Strip Poker after the incident with the dancers.

“Hey, Pep.  We’re playing Strip Cards Against Humanity.  Want to join?”

Pepper sat down next to her boyfriend on the couch. “No, thank you.  I think I’ll remain fully clothed right now.  Which Steve seems to be,” she pointed out.

Steve hid behind his cards.

“That man has the most dirty mind!” Thor said.

“He’s beating us all, Pep!  It’s not fair,” Tony whined.

Clint snorted. “You chose the game, Stark.”

Tony scowled. “How are you so good at this anyway, Spangles?”

Steve shrugged, face still slightly red. “I was in a war, you know.  I’m not as innocent as you seem to think I am.”

“But you’re Captain America!  You’re all apple pie and freedom and…and…”

“And winning at the card game for horrible people.  Isn’t that what the tag line says?” Steve smirked.

Tony groaned and glared at Steve.

“I hate you.”  Everyone smiled at their banter.

“Right, I’ll let you get back to it, then,” Pepper said. “Tony, I have some paperwork you need to sign before lunch tomorrow.”

“Okay, Pep.” The kissed and Pepper stood up to head up to the Penthouse. “Bruce, pick a card.”

Bruce pulled out a black card.

“War!  What is it good for?” he read and put the card on the table.

The six superheroes flipped through their cards and placed their picks in a pile on the table for Bruce to read.  Thor was grinning, like he did every round, thinking he had the greatest card.  Steve and Natasha had poker faces, while Clint was smirking.  Tony scowled at his crap cards and put down the only good one that kind of fit.  Hopefully, Thor had a worse card.

Bruce pulled the pile towards him and shuffled the cards.  He flipped them over to read them.

“War!  What is it good for?  The way white people is.” Everyone but Thor giggled. “New Age music.  Hope.  Wifely duties.” Clint started laughing, but groaned in pain at Natasha’s punch.

“Ow…”

“And spontaneous human combustion.  Wow.  Um…wifely duties wins, and hope loses.”

“Great,” Steve said and collected his winning black card as Bruce stuffed the white cards back into the deck.

Tony groaned at another win from the man.  He saw Thor shifting around, and then pull off his boxers.

“Whoa, buddy!” Tony said.

Thor smiled and dropped his underwear onto his pile of clothes.

“You could’ve taken off your socks, you know.” Tony said, trying not to look at his teammates ample dick.

Thor frowned and looked down at his feet. “I forgot I was wearing them.  Sorry.”  He didn’t seem to be bothered that he was out for everyone to see.

“It doesn’t matter,” Natasha said, “Tony, your turn.”

Tony sighed and pulled out a new card.

“Alright.  TSA guidelines now prohibit blank on airplanes.”

**The End.**

**Author's Note:**

> All cards read are actual cards pulled from my large ass deck. lol
> 
> Hope you liked. Please review, leave kudos. :D


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